Author: TVPaulD

Some Cliched Jokes And Why They’re Supposed To Be Funny (Or Never Were)

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COMEDY! Now that I’ve got your attention, we’re gonna talk about…Well…Comedy…Um. Yeah. Anyway, as you may know, I am (Technically) a comedian. Note, I did not saysuccessful comedian. Technically, I am an internet comedian, otherwise referred to as “the lowest known form of life”. Nevertheless, I am taking it upon myself to take you through ten jokes which are totally played out and explain why they’re funny, why they’re supposed to befunny or, most likely, why they really aren’t.

“…And what’s the deal with airline food?”

Ah the airline food joke. The stereotypical last refuge of the hack standup comedian. You’ve probably seen this joke used more frequently for ironic purposes than as an actual joke itself. You all know the bit, there’s a comedian on the stage and the characters on some sitcom are watching him tell unfunny jokes, then he pulls out “And what’s the deal with airline food?”. It’s the quintessential cliched observational humour joke, the kind of thing you expect Jay Leno to come out with.

In fact, this joke is so famous amongst the comedy circles for sucking out loud and basically summarising everything wrong with hack observational comedians, you’ll frequently see it used (Again, ironically) in response to an example of an unfunny joke or standup routine – particularly on the internet.

But honestly, have you ever wondered, what are the comedians who originally started making this joke even getting at? Well to start off with, let’s name the guilty. It was Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld. He made this joke famous. Now, admittedly, when he told it, it was pretty funny. But that’s just because he’s Jerry Seinfeld.

The reality is, it’s a pretty lame joke even if it hadn’t become such a cliche. “The deal with airline food” is that it sucks. That’s literally the entire premise of the joke. This is an example of failed observational humour. The idea behind observational humour is, really, to notice something absurd and/or something we can all relate to but might not think about. Airline food…Yes, it sucks. We know.

Now yes, I know, technically this is just the setup to the joke and you’re supposed to go on and recount a story about how much airline food sucks or something. But answer me this. Is there a single person who is going to hear this story that isn’t going to be able to guess the punchline before it even starts.

NO! Because the punchline always boils down to “Airline Food sucks”. There’s no payoff to this joke! Speaking of which…

“You ever noticed that a white guy does X and a black guy does Y?”

Oh god, now we’re into the dregs. This my friends is the quintessential racial joke. Almost every hack comedian with a racial theme to their comedy will make a joke using this exact formula – and it’s (For some reason I cannot possibly fathom at all, no way no how) especially common if the comedian in question is black.
An example of this joke being mocked which you’ve probably seen is when, on The Simpsons, Homer watches a black comedian on TV pantomime how white guys and black guys drive. The black guys drive like they’re in a movie, the white guys drive like dorks making “dee-de-dee” noises. Similarly, Homer himself tells a very poor example of this joke in the episode where Mr. Burns is trying to make himself popular:

“You see, white people have names like Lenny, and black people have names like Carl!”

The sad part is, that’s about as funny as these jokes get. The problem here is the joke is playing off a pretty well-known stereotype – black people are cool, white people are dweebs. And yes, there’s an element of truth in it.

But the fact is, it’s just not that rich a vein for comedy. I think at this stage, just about every contrasting stereotypical mannerism of white people and black people has been hauled onto a stage by some hack comedian standing in front of a faux-brick wall. Oh don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of great racial comedy still to be harvested, but this formula is just dull.

There’s plenty of ways to make fun of white people without resorting to this tired old joke. Look at Deon Cole, one of Conan O’Brien’s crack team of scribes, for an example of innovation in this field.

“Did you know Rap Music used to have a C at the beginning?”

Okay, now this joke is just straight up dumb. This is obviously just idiots trying to be clever and take the piss out of rap music, but it just comes across as idiotic. We get it, Rap Music is divisive. Could you honestly not come up with a funnier way to express that? I mean, seriously.

All you have to do is read out the lyrics to most rap songs in a deadpan voice, with no rhythm, and it’s automatically funnier than this.

Also, Empire State of Mind is one of the greatest songs ever recorded and 8 Mile is a fantastic music-themed motion picture. So FUCK YOU rap haters.

“How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Poke ‘im on!”

Oh haha, very funny. This is possibly the lamest pun in the history of the universe. Unfortunately, it’s spread like wildfire. It’s a corruption of the same humour found in the favourite joke of maths students the world over:

“Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine!”

Now that joke’s legitimately funny. And so is the Pikachu Joke…At first. But unlike the Seven Joke, the Pikachu Joke has no staying power. Once you’ve heard it, it stops being funny, and it becomes more unfunny the more you hear it. The problem? People tell it all the time. It’s a safe bet no comedian would ever bother pulling this out on stage, but unfortunately non-comedians use it at every opportunity.

The Seven Joke enjoys the same ubiquitous status, but is somehow timeless. Much like South Park’s “Funniest Joke In History” candidate:

“Would you like some fish sticks, sir? What? You would? What are you, some kind of gay fish?”

Get it? Fish sticks sounds like fish dicks!

…It’s funnier out loud.

“So a bear walks into a bar…”

There are a lot of jokes which start in a similar manner. The infamous “A priest, a rabbi and a Scot” (And variations thereof) have ascended to the heights of “most overused premise for a joke ever”. Everyone has made up a joke using this premise. And almost all of those jokes involve either a bar, a genie, or god. And the punchline is always the third guy coming out better than the other two.

But there’s another version of this joke, which usually goes a lot like this:

“A bear walks into a pub holding a newspaper. He saunters up to the bar and takes a seat whilst the other patrons, terrified at the sight of him, edge slowly towards the door. He lays his paper on the bar and orders a beer and a packet of crisps (Chips to you Yankee Doodle Dandies) and the terrified barman charges him £10. The bear sighs, lays down his money and begins reading his paper. Tentatively, the barman observes ‘we don’t get many bears in here…’ to which the bear sighs, laying down his paper, before replying ‘Well at these prices I’m not surprised!”

This version of the “people walking into a bar” joke is infinitely funny and has unlimited scope for re-purposing. Family Guy ably showed it being used as a joke on a sitcom. The great thing about this version of the joke is that the humour is one, seemingly innocuous, detail and not really the “elephant (Well, bear) in the room” which you expect it to be.

Another great version goes thusly:

“A man walks into a bar and sits down, ordering his drink. He sits there, drinking it, then he suddenly hears it…A small, squeaky voice telling him how good he looks and what a great guy he is. He looks around for the source of the voice and is surprised to discover it appears to be coming from the bowl of peanuts. Unnerved, he heads to the toilet to splash some water on his face. Once there, he hears a gruff voice hurling abuse at him. To his (Semi) amazement, the voice is coming from the hand dryer. He heads back to the bar and the barman asks him if he’s okay. He reports these oddities to the barman who responds, easily ‘Ah, yes, well…The hand dryer is out of order, but the peanuts are complimentary.’”

Technically, that’s just a cheap double pun. But the execution is what sells it. All that buildup really bulks up the payoff. So, next time you wanna make a “some guy walks into a” joke, use the premise for something a bit cleverer than “these two kinds of people are idiots and this other kind of person is smart”.

“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!”

It’s a crying shame that so few people get this joke. Because it’s actually really really funny. When I was first told it, it was framed as “the first joke ever told” and had an additional punchline tacked on – “I guess people used to be a lot easier to please”.

But this joke is actually exactly the kind of humour which is popular these days. The problem is, it became so ubiquitous so fast most people stopped thinking about why it might be funny and began fixating on the fact that it’s supposed to be un-funny.

So, would you like to know why this joke is so funny?

Because of course that’s why the chicken crossed the road. What other answer is there to that question? Millions, literally millions, of idiots have spent years trying to re-write this punchline to “make it funny again” (“to get away from the KFC”, “because he saw a black guy coming” – seriously, someone’s made that one, “because Oprah told it to”, “because the duck did it first and it wanted to fit in” ). It’s not necessary!

The joke is, the person asking is asking a stupid question and your inability to supply the simple answer makes you looks silly. Here’s the reason so few people got it: it’s on the listener! “Why did the chicken cross the road?” is one of the earliest and best examples of making the audience the butt of the joke in an entirely good natured way, as opposed to, say, this next gem.

“A moronsayswhat?”

Not being a moron, I couldn’t tell you, however, mumblemumblemumble.

Turn Left, Go Forth

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In the run up to the 2008 Presidential Election, I outlined why it was that I, an out-of-country observer, felt that it was so important that Barack Obama be elected to the highest office in America. Now, it is time for the United Kingdom’s General Election. And once again, I want to get my thoughts down in writing.

My politics are best summarised in the phrase “March of Progress Socialism”. I am unashamedly Left Wing, because I believe that the existence of The State is right, and necessary. People simply cannot be expected to do everything for themselves all the time. It’s not right. It’s not fair. It doesn’t work. We all need a helping hand from time to time. And whether it’s as small as a little extra money to pay for our children’s wellbeing or as large as our time in Education, it’s all important.

Right is Wrong

The right wing would have us believe that all The State does is meddle in our affairs and give out handouts to scum. They are wrong. They’re fundamental politics are wrong. They have lost sight of the bigger picture.

It’s not always their fault. Many of them turned to the right for good reasons. Perhaps because of some injustice that was done to them, perhaps because they have been misled by the press into blaming the left or a left-wing government for something that has happened in the world.

But the fact is, the right wing simply doesn’t represent the views and needs of the many. In fact, in a lot of cases (See the Tea Party Activists in the United States for an example), the right wing isn’t even a good deal for the people who support it. It’s built on ideas which sound great, in theory, but which really don’t add up in the real world.

David Cameron’s Conservative Party is the embodiment of this disconnect. David claims to stand for “The Great Ignored”. He claims he understands our problems, he says we need change to Fix Our Broken Society. All three of these insinuations are completely false. Cameron the Chameleon is nothing but a spin doctor working for the interests of his corporate paymasters like Lord Ashcroft. This is a man who claims Nelson Mandela as a personal hero – but who was only too happy to be wined and dined by the leaders of Apartheid South Africa whilst the great man was still imprisoned for daring to question Apartheid.

Who are the Great Ignored? Cameron pretends the majority of Britain’s Middle and Working Class folks are. That’s not true. They’re not conservative at all. In fact, “The Great Ignored” just means the rich and privileged, the bigots & the posh, the dying breeds of a forgotten era. The fact is, Cameron and his supporters are a minority. We have a relatively Democratic system. Those people are not ignored, but their collective will is less than that of the rest of the population – who are Left and Centre-Left.

And Cameron knows it. And he hates it. David and his cronies know that with a truly democratic system, such as the alternative vote system, their kind would never again control this great land. And so they oppose it. They don’t want us to exert the full extent of our collective will, because they can only win under the First Past The Post system we currently have. So, unique of the three main parties – and despite pledging to “Fix Our Broken Politics” – they oppose the Alternative Vote System

The right wing is selfishness personified. The actions of the Tory Party show nothing but self-interest. They have no compassion. They want to give massive tax cuts to the rich, whilst they pull vital financial support from needy families and cut spending in our state schools.

In essence, they want to create a New Age of Privilege. David calls it “The Big Society”. I call it abhorrent.

And I won’t be a part of it. This is not the time for Cameron and his Short Change. Progress must go on.

Turn Left, Go Forth.

I support The Labour Party for Government.

Labour’s agenda isn’t based on self-interest or pie-in-the-sky idealism, but on offering real help and support to people who really need it. A Future Fair For All is the only future which will help the March of Progress. We cannot afford to turn back now because mistakes have been made. The way to win is to learn from the mistakes, correct the strategy, and plow on ahead.

Labour will not Tax the poor to offer a break to the rich. Labour will have the rich pay their fair share to help provide vital services, as well as help for those who need it most. Labour is not going to cut teachers from our schools or nurses from our hospitals.

The Tories would plunge us back into a Thatcherite Dark Age. Labour would lead us further on the path to prosperity.

The March of Progress is so important. The March of Progress creates equality – it’s what killed slavery and is helping to kill racism and sexism in the world. Only through working together can we achieve it though. David Cameron says that’s what The Big Society’s about. It’s not. What he’s not telling you is when he says “People need to work together” in The Big Society, he’s missing the word “you”. As in “You People need to work together”. Because David isn’t one of us, and he doesn’t care about what we need. The Big Society doesn’t require David and his Privileged friends to do their part. They get an Inheritance Tax Cut, an Income Tax Cut and their Businesses can go on making massive profits even at our collective expense.

The Great in Great Britain

I love this country. This wonderful country with its diverse people and its hard work and its sense of humour and its beautiful land. I am a proud patriot. And as a patriot, the Conservative campaign offends me at least as much as it offends me as a March of Progress Socialist. David tells us we need to fix this country, that it’s full of scroungers and immigrants and scofflaw youths. And it’s all Labour’s fault.

This, he says, is Broken Britain.

And he can fix it.

Britain isn’t Broken, David. And if it ain’t broke, we don’t need you to fix it.

I don’t look around and see a broken society. I see a wonderful nation full of wonderful, hard-working people. I see families going out of their way to give their children a chance at University and a better life, I see a diverse range of people coming together in a country world-renowned as a cultural boiling pot. I see the young campaigning and fighting for equality, justice and the greater good. I see them all laughing and joking and drinking together.

And it’s good.

But times are tough, we all know. And that’s why now, more than ever, the way forward is left.

A vote for Labour is a vote to take away some of the burden weighing on all these wonderful people’s shoulders. These are the real Britons. Not billionaires like Ashcroft who don’t live here or work here or contribute to our society.

If the Tories win, we lose, not Labour and not the Lib Dems.

Vote for Labour, A Future Fair For All.

The Final Stretch

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Well today is the very last day of my Easter Holiday away from College. Tomorrow, it’s back to the Sawtry Community College for the home stretch. Three weeks this coming Thursday, I’m onstage wrapping up our official time at Sawtry with the SCC Sixth Form Leavers 2010 Final Assembly. I promise a show like no other. This is going to be one helluva spectacle folks.

A couple of weeks alter, on Friday the 28th of May, at Twenty-Five to One in the afternoon, my last ever lesson at Sawtry ends. After that, all I have there is four exams. The mind boggles that in less than six weeks, it’s all over. Seven years on, as by far the longest-lasting constant in my life outside of my immediate family, my time at SCC comes to an end. Naturally, that means I will have a lot of spare time for some three months. And that in turn means I’ll have more time to spend on doofy crap for this here website.

Then, it’s on to Uni. Which leads me neatly to the other thing which will take up my newfound spare time, the pursuit of money. Yes, it seems I’ll have to pick up at least a few days’ overtime each week as summer rolls around in order to build up a nice lump of spare money to spend on life in Pompey.

Man, writing this all down, it steal feels unreal. I am simultaneously overcome with amazement at how short the time left is and an overwhelming lack of comprehension of that fact.

It’s a weird time of life, you know? Everything’s basically done here but the closing number. We’ve got plans to end it all with a succession of show-stoppers though. The Final Assembly I’m putting together is an extravaganza. It’s a celebration, a variety show, a trip down memory lane, a massive pat on the back and more all crammed into an hour. I’m shooting for the full range of emotions. They’ll laugh, they’ll cry, they’ll cheer, they’ll be proud, they’ll be embarrassed, they’ll smile, they’ll cry & of course, they’ll smile. This is the biggest thing I’ve ever done. And I assure you, I take it very bloody seriously.

Then, a bunch of us are going to tear it up at a Theme Park for the day. Alton Towers is, I think, again the plan. And then we’ve got the End of Year Ball in early July. We call it a ball, but it’s being deliberately organised to allow us to go to the clubs & bars afterwards, so I’m, not certain “Ball” is the word. But it’s going to be one helluva party. Later that month, in a last hurrah before the exam results day, I’m off back to Disneyland Paris with some mates. Imagine the high spirits!

…And there it is again. I’m writing this partly to try and make it all sink in but…It just seems unreal to me.

Oh well, maybe it’ll sink in tomorrow when I hit the College. I’ve got a surprise for everyone which will be immediately apparent, and I have some unfinished business to take care of. It’s the home stretch, and it all kicks off in less than 15 hours. Here. We. Go.

Drinks to Beverages: Red Rooster

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It’s the first in a new series as Paul Douglas indulges his well known passion for…Drinking things…In this exciting first episode of Paul Douglas Drinks to Beverages, Paul takes on one of the many cheap knockoffs of Red Bull which have sprung up since the ubiquitous energy drink’s rise to popularity, Red Rooster…

Mrs. Santa Claus Review

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Paul “Jensonb” Douglas celebrates the Christmas season by sitting down to partake in a favourite hobby, watching trashy Christmas movies. Alas, his choice of trashy Christmas movies may have been a bad one in this instance. See what happens next as Jensonb takes on the 1996 Made for TV Musical, Mrs. Santa Claus, starring Angela Lansbury!

Christmas Letter 2009

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It’s that time again folks.

Yes, it’s the time of the year when, in lieu of sending Christmas cards (Because sitting and writing someone’s name then my name then someone’s name then my name over and over and over is the kind of thing which will eventually drive me over the edge and thus cause me to go on the psychopathic rampage which the majority of you are still expecting of me), I write out a long, winding look at the year that was and what lies ahead, with characteristic sarcasm and comical faux-hipness. Because I’m “like” “with it”. Er…”dawg”!

So then…To business!

Ah what a year it has been. For me, terrific. Wonderful things have happened over and over again (Green Day – the best band in the world seriously don’t even argue, turning 18, the computer I’m writing this on, Disneyland which is like heaven for me and of course a certain Mr. Jenson Button winning the World Championship).

But as with any year, 2009 has had it’s fair share of flaws. Yes, for every Barack Obama becoming President, there has been an unfortunate but inescapable Twilight Saga release. In the future, they will look back on years like this as the beginning of the zombie apocalypse which is still speeding on its way to destroying our world as we know it, presumably within the next 5 years.

For those of you about my age over here in the UK, this year has also probably begun your association with the most unspeakably horrific torture device known to man. Yes, I speak of UCAS, which dominates your life for months at a time stressing you out about filling in a form, getting Personal Statements & References written and all this as soon as humanly possible rush rush rush. Then it immediately turns into the most insufferable waiting game ever devised – it’s like an ironic punishment in hell, it taunts you for your previous desire to slow things down by going to the other extreme.

Cruel and unusual.

If you’re like me (To those very few of you, you have my sympathy) you mostly measure a year’s worth on the quality of the entertainment put out that year. On that front, New Moon aside, 2009 is a standout success. We’ve had brilliant movies like The Hangover, Role Models & Zombieland as well as amazing TV shows making their debuts (Such as FlashForward) or re-launching (The fantastic Scrubs Season 9 (Med School)).

In more good entertainment news, word reached us this year that Channel 4 will not be buying any more seasons of Big Brother, ending its run on the channel in 2010. Every reasonable person in the country is delighted by this news. In less welcome news, ITV (Continuing its downward spiral into being the most vulgar unappealingly cheap and tacky network on Television) has ordered more seasons of The X-Factor. Which means 2010 will be another year in which the Christmas Number 1 will go largely un-contested…

Eff you ITV. You ruin everything.

In the world of video games, Killzone 2 released this year and overshadowed all other First Person Shooters. Honestly can’t think of a single other significant one. None at all. Nope. Modern What 2? Never heard of it. It’s the biggest entertainment release of all time? Oh that Modern Warfare 2. Why didn’t you say so?

In more interesting video game news, The Beatles: Rock Band released this year, broadening the appeal of Rock Band-like games as well as of The Beatles’ superb music. As if Harmonix, makers of Rock Band, hadn’t done enough to make me love them, they recently announced that next year they will release another game. Green Day: Rock Band. Thereby immortalising my two favourite bands in their own games.

Less fortunate this year were those Activision guys. Tony Hawk: Ride is the punchline to every video game joke made from now until Project Natal releases.

On a more universal note, the economy has started to recover! That’s good!

But VAT in the UK is going back up. That’s bad.

But it’s not going up to 20%! That’s good!

But the Tories will probably put it up to 21% (That’s bad) as soon as they get in (That’s bad).

Potentially far worse news from the land of politics is that the BNP got into the European Parliament. Which is both a disgrace and nonsensical. How can a party who think anything and everyone from outside the UK is sub-human represent us in Europe? It’s a logical absurdity!

And on that note, we come to “Climategate”. I’m going to put this to rest once and for all: The world is getting warmer. We’re at least partly to blame through CO2 emissions. Get over it and help us start fixing it.

Jeez, is it that hard to stop burning things left and right?

So then, what lies ahead, in (As weirdos call it) The Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Ten (Or as the hipsters call it “Twenty-Ten”)? Well how the hell should I know, I’m not psychic. I do however have some predictions for your amusement:

1) The Tories will win the General Election and ruin the country, but idiots will still claim things have improved.
2) A celebrity will die and the whole world will overreact.
3) Someone, somewhere, will have sex with somebody else. This will piss off a third party who will throw a hissy fit about it and/or go to the press.
4) A man will discover the Meaning of Life and start trying to tell people it. Nobody will listen.
5) Britain’s Got Talent will still suck.
6) The X-Factor will suck even more.
7) Twilight Saga: Eclipse will suck even more than James Cameron’s Avatar clearly does. Dan Berry will not notice due to his guy crush on Robert Pattinson/Taylor Lautner/Dan, seriously what the hell.
8) Kanye West will continue to be a douchebag.
9) Sarah Palin will, on at least 4 separate occasions in each case, fail to spell her own name or even the word “a” correctly.
10) I will write another Christmas letter.

Now, let’s see how my predictions form last year did:

1) Sky will stay blue (Correct!)
2) Music will continue to dominate culture (Correct!)
3) Economy will finally begin to rebound (Correct!)
4) Summer will be hot (Correct!)
5) Spring will suck just as much as ever (Correct!)
6) Someone, somewhere, will be inappropriately offended by something they know was not meant in that way – they will proceed to destroy someone’s career over it despite being aware they meant and caused no actual harm (At least half-correct!)

Wow! Maybe I am psychic! On that bombshell, I’m off to make a killing gambling on sporting events!

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and of course a Happy New Year!

Yours,
Paul “Jensonb” Douglas